Trusting Who You are

Have you ever feeling where you know what God want you do is to surrender, and wait, but you can’t deny that you want to do “more” or give “more effort” to make you feel at least you did put yourself in more “secure” situation?

These past weeks, I feel like my mind and heart is fighting between one another. I’ve been interested with someone and it tears me apart to see how he getting closer and closer to someone else – and that girl is my friend. The urgency to throw away these feelings before it getting stronger, try to pretend nothing is change or happening, hide tightly my feeling,  and yet the pain that keeps coming especially every time I see both of them looks so close before me.  Despite all of the roller-coaster emotion that I feel,  I find the most easily practical way I can do for now is to step back and having more boundaries.

While it just started – my mind and heart keep fighting against each other.  My heart say that I did the right thing,  and that I have to guard my heart while my mind keep saying “well.. Of course its normal if they will start their relationship, as they keep built their relationship while you pull yourself further. ” things like “what if I do differently…, perhaps they are just really friends, … ”

This point made me questioning myself how much do I believe in God’s love,  God’s control,  and His sovereignty? Do I really believe that He know what He is doing and He has store and have a plan for me..? Not just a plan, but a good plan as my heavenly Father who always been compassion to me. Can I really surrender this problem regarding what it will turn out and say that I am please with you?

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken not my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you (Isaiah 54:10)

The point is not about the best treatment I should do to deal with these problem… but how will my heart response, Will I believe whatever things turn into, I know Your grace are sufficient and because of who you are, I can always trust you, and You are much greater than my problem. You are the distinct faithful Lord that needs to be lifted high – And I want to praise my Lord for who you are, regardless any possible thing that will happen.

“Lord even if I remain faithless, you are faithful. Help me to be strengthened and believe into your promises. Promises that you are faithful, trustworthy and will never abandon your people. Nothing great comes to those whose heart is not right before you. Teach me to surrender, and lead me back to you again and again even if I’m keep failing. Thank you for your love and patience.”

 

Am I stuck?

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For me, it’s easy to feel stuck especially as I’m in my 27^th year and nothing significant happen in my life right now. Not just that, but even there are times that I feel I’m not doing a good job. From learning how to forgive, how to let go few things that I shouldn’t hold on, and not being able to see any changes despite my cry out for help, guidance to the Lord.

On top of that, can’t help but I start to compare myself with others who looks “Succeed” to continue their life and strong to face each trials while I’m in the stage of questioning everything to the Lord….

“Lord, why I still hold grudge? Why it is so hard for me to be able to forgive him/her? Why my heart is so small and not able to display the love that you’ve given to me? Didn’t you say if I remain in you, Christ’s love in me will overflow and I will able to display that love?

Lord why I should have this desire and why I have to experience disappoinment?

Lord why this person so selfish and fickle?  I just feel hopeless and very tired…

Is something wrong with me…?

And start from this part; the self-condemnation will start to take over

But today I feel this scripture has talk to me in many ways to answer all those question

“I see that the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and my tongue shouts his praises! My body rests in hope. For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your Holy One to rot in the grave. You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence.” Acts2:25-28

This was mentioned by Peter who quoting Psalm when David talked about Jesus. Something that struck me is that this scripture didn’t talked about others, or talked about the progress itself but the heart of it. The highlight was on God himself. The joy and praise knowing God is the source of happiness, hope, and confidence. Not worried or anxious what happen in the past, present, or future but to see life as a gift because we get God himself as the reward.

“Like the words, fill me with the joy of your presence. Grant me heart of gratefulness to see you as my greatest reward. Help me to be secure with your love and acknowledge my weakness. Guide my heart and give me heart that willing to be mold and trust you. Help me to not just focus on the outward things but also surrender on your sovereignty”

Tuhan, aku tidak mau menjadi luka bagi seseorang

Meski hati ini memar, dan setiap incinya menjadi bukti kesesakkan dihatiku ini

Aku tidak butuh menjadi memar bagi orang lain

Meski orang itu menoreh lubang di hatiku

Sungguh aku tak perlu untuk memberikan kembali apa yang sudah aku terima

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Tuhan, itu lah yang aku rasakan,

Tidak peduli seberapa lelahnya diriku untuk berusaha maju…, untuk belajar menerima, memberi kasih, dan memaafkan, semua usaha itu dengan cepat sirna

Aku benci.

Benci karena aku harus melewati semua ini

Benci karena semua kelabuan yang membuatku begitu lemah untuk berusaha

Benci karena begitu mudanya hatiku tersakiti dan digoyahkan

Benci karena aku kalah dengan kedengkian ini

Benci karena aku masih hidup di dalam masa lalu dan terjebak diantara perasaan tersebut

Benci akan keinginanku yang lemah, untuk belajar menerima dan melihat ini sebagai sebuah peluang yang kau berikan untukku bertumbuh menjadi sosok yang lebih dewasa dan mengenal kasih yang selama ini kau perjuangkan

 

Pada akhirnya ini semua hanya menuju ke satu jawaban

Bahwa aku hanyalah manusia biasa dengan segala kekurangan dan kelebihan yang sudah kau ciptakan

Dan untuk dapat sembuh dari luka ini, aku harus belajar menerima,

Bahwa aku manusia biasa yang membutuhkan pertolongan

Pertolongan yang datang hanya jika aku mau untuk ditolong, dan rela untuk disembuhkan

Rela untuk membuang segala kepahitan itu dengan memegang tanganmu

Percaya bahwa kaulah tempatku berpijak,

Dan kaulah yang aku butuhkan

Little things Matter

“It’s the little things that make life big”